Salmon.

Here's a facebook message I sent to my little brother (16) tonight. This is after a 5 Hour Energy EXTRA crash, and I was feeling hungry.

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  • 

    14 minutes ago

    Alexis Gaither

    • HEY NICK.
      I'm so hungry right now.
      Would you like an analogy of how hungry I am?
      OKAY!
      I'm as hungry as werewolf without--nope, nope that one was going to be bad.
      
      I'm as hungry as a deaf blind mute salmon waiting just at the edge of a stream to die. But there's a slow trickle of water through its runt-salmon body, so it can't die. Its body won't die because of its natural salmon instinct to live. The salmon is slowly turning from that fresh light pink to a hue of charred grey. The rest of the salmon clan left the salmon runt there to die, but it just. won't. die. And it's not the type of salmon to have that kind of willpower. This salmon is cowardly. It wants to die but doesn't have the salmon balls to die. So this deaf blind mute grey salmon flaps at the edge of the stream, too weak to flap far enough for food. There are plenty of stream creatures for the salmon to eat, but it's too too weak.
      
      That's how hungry I am.
  • 

    12 minutes ago

    Nick Gaither

    • Okay, you woke me up. Here's a more descriptive version of your analogy:
  • 

    8 minutes ago

    Alexis Gaither

    • whoops, I forgot about the whole facebook notifies your phone thing.
      but okay i'm ready.
  • 

    6 minutes ago

    Nick Gaither

    • The salmon, once a light shade of red, now nearly grey with hunger lies deathly still. The salmon cant die however, it's body roasting in the hot sun as the salmon, attempting to drink from that life saving clear liquid, contemplated it's existence. The salmon gazed out at the waterfall, roaring with great power. He examined the other salmon up ahead of the stream, jumping out of the water 10 at a time, as if they were celebrating the gift of life. In a last effort to stay alive, the salmon tried to pull itslef off of the black and grey rocks below him, which would seal his fate very soon. With a mighty burst of stength the salmon bolted foward out of the rocks that bound it and kept it from salvation. However, the salmon, now dancing with joy, attracted the attention of a great grizzly bear, which charged over to the now frightened salmon, and devoured the salmon with it's great, blood-stained jaws of death. THE END
    • There. That wouldve been a more interesting analogy for being hungry .
  • 

    a few seconds ago

    Alexis Gaither

    • That's some quality editing right there. You're missing an obvious story line, the adjectives were mediocre at best, and you left out the important component about how the salmon came to be at the edge of the water (it's a deaf blind mute runt salmon) but overall your additions are well worth some consideration.
      Also, I believe the possessive form of "its" is in fact "its" and not "it's." "It's" would imply "it is." But I'm sure that was not purposeful. See: "The salmon cant die however, it's body roasting in the hot sun...etc." And don't forget the apostrophe on "can't."
      Overall valuable work.

A letter to those who chew.

Dear friend of a friend at the lunch table,

I have been sitting next to you at lunch for a semester now. I sometimes enjoy your company there. We sit, we complain about that teacher we both had together, and eat our Nachos Grande with apple sauce. But that's where the fun stops. Any enjoyment I could possibly have at the lunch table is flattened into the ground with those excess chicken bites of fire the second you put food into your mouth.

I often wonder if you were raised by rabid gerbils or hogs. That sickening sound coming from your saliva I didn't know could be produced by a human. When I see pellets of mystery meat spewing from your motioning mouth I gag. I gag when you lick up chili from your unwashed hands. I gag when I can view in 3D your Big Daddy pizza while it turns into a ball of spittle and processed tomato inside your mouth. I gag when you're laughing while consuming half-chewed pasta and it soars across the table into somebody else's red sauce. I physically gag.

Had I not known your eating habits my reputation of you would be in the "okay" range, but at this point you're leaning towards "a terrible soul" or "should not have survived natural selection." By now I've watched you eat like a starving crazed wolf so many times I propose one solution and one solution only.

You need to eat alone. Unless you have some revelation and you can eat like a civilized human, you need to eat your food far away from the table--anywhere else. Buy your food, visit the bathroom, chew spit lick and swallow your charred burger alone. Then and then only may you come back to the table and chat in peace.

If you don't accept this proposal that's reasonable and okay, but keep in mind that from now on if I can see or hear the food you are masticating, I will take my fist, close your jaw, and proceed to punch you with said fist in said jaw.

With love,

Your tablemate Alexis